AHHH. Nothing is easy . NOTHING. I don't understand what HAVE I DONE to deserve what is going on? I don't get it. Since THIS blog is mostly about me and my feelings I try to keep Regina away from here...Anyway. I had my heart broken .
NOT by Nick. Nick is great friend. and great support. And that is the way it WILL BE. BUT my long distance relationship to someone I believed will be there for me ended. I ended it. I was getting tired of inconsistency's and retarded lies and more lies and more... FOR him those were white lies... but not for me. After first lie I gave him one more chance and when he blew his second chance. I CALLED IT QUIT. We are working on our friendship, since we have lot to talk about and have similar views.BUT he is not boyfriend material....
I am thankful for my friends who have been supporting me through this. IT has been very hard for me.... HIM.. US.. he tells me he loves me, but he needs to get help, cure his addictions ( pathological liar)... and he needs to admit that he has this problem.

ANYWAY. ... I don't know. I just need to recover from this 1 year relationship. it is hard. lot of tears ,sleepless nights. feeling lonely... Lonely. lonely.... afraid this will happen again...

Love Hurts

You all know I am complicated and weird. I do my own thing, I walk my own route. Once in a while I get lost , but I find my way out and do my best to be me again. It is so easy to get lost in this mixed up weird perfection seeking world. . With me it is- You see what you get, and sometimes even something extra. You you never know what that extra is... Temper tantrums? sudden laugh out loud without any good reason.. Sudden crying spells.. Yeah. I am human after all. I have feelings, thoughts, obsessions, opinions. I don't care if you don't agree with them. I am not accepting you to agree with me 100%. JUST accept me the way I am. And be ready for surprises:),,,

Love you all :)

I know few of you are confused about what the heck I was talking in my previous post- ME AND CONFUSED?? NEVER.... BUT the truth is.. I have been having those confusing moments more and more.
As some of you know, Nick and I decided to separate. ( WELL, I decided first and he just does whatever I want .. ;) ) I know I know I know, HE is one great catch, and whoever gonna get him will be luckiest woman on earth :) AND that was one of my confusing points... WHY in the world I want to give him up and leave this lifestyle and standards . WHY I am unhappy? I am not. I really am not, but I can't change what my heart says. I can't just look him into eye and lie about rest of my life. THat is not me.
I STILL DO LOVE HIM, and that will never change but my love for him now is more caring , friendly, My love for him is Different...
ANother thing my friends have been asking from me. AM I ready to downgrade my life? AM I? I really don't know.
I am country girl. Grew up with caws and pigs and fleas and chickens and drying hay every summer for cows and digging potatoes out fo ground every year ( YES I DID, and I was younger than gabriel when I first had to do those chores ) Child labor... AND I did fine.. I HATED it, I hated country lifestlye, I hated dirt, I hated doing laundry and dishes by hand. I HATED NOT HAVING AC or running water in house.. I STILL DO HATE THAT. AND I WILL NEVER EVER IN MILLION YEARS GO BACK TO THAT. BUT.. IF I build my own house in country side with AC and heat and running water and bathroom IN HOUSE.. I think I COULD do fine.. I guess.
ANyway. I don't like hard physical work. I am not afraid of it. I can do it, but I HATE IT. I'm no babe, but it's just the way I feel. I like people in US. I love FOOD here, I love drinks here.. Once in a while I will tell people oh yeah, I miss chocolates or beer (ONLY BEER I miss is A le coq).. But I don't really. I am one confused Estonian. I love spicy mexican food, I Love Cosmos, I love rear tuna and CA rolls, and tofu ...
OH, I better stop now... I also don't miss estonian TV, or Radio or literature. OR who is who in there....
ALL I really care is my friends, my family and my boyfriend... But everything is very complicated. SUper complicated. I stop here... because I am sure you are done with this anti Estonian crap...

You know what is sad? My PMS 24/7 is not all that anymore. OH, there are things that get me ANGRY and boiling and smokin' but i take gazillion breaths in and blow them out and i am almost ok . ALMOST.. But one thing that still bugs me.. I still don't know who I really am. I have been doing some soul searching. I know what I like, I know what I hate. I know what turns me on and fires me up. BUT who is real Diana anyway? There are so many ME's IN ME, that time to time i find myself wondering- what the fuck is wrong with me?

I don't feel like PMSing..

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.. I should, but I don't want to ruin your holiday moods...
I love winter. I love California winter, because it is closest to Estonia Fall. I love rain and storms and clouds. I love stupid people who have no idea how to drive on rain. And I love how they blame how rain made them to have accident.. LOVE IT.

I also love Candlelight and fire on fireplace. It is so beautiful and peaceful. I feel like i don't need my antidepressants anymore, because I have been staring fire in my fireplace past 7 days... Candles are burning nightly and I enjoy my wine with Cheese. ( srry, My butt is getting kind of cheesy too, but who cares.

I also love that my Husband and I have come to an agreement to move on separate ways:) We have stronger and better relationship now. We talk more, laugh more and just hang out. I know, some of you think it is kind of weird that we still live under same roof... BUT, you know what.-- WHY NOT??? We will celebrate our 10th wedding anniversary on December 28th. Not sure what we will do, but we have to celebrate it. Kids do not know it yet.... We have our reasons and I know you understand and respect that :)
I know, we are weird. Super weird. ALways been, always will be. That's not gonna change:) And I don't want it to change. I want to be hard to figure out . Nobody but me knows WHO real ME is. And I want it to stay that way:) I know you all have your interpretations about WHO I AM. I wanna hear them:) Don't hold back. LET IT OUT. JUST LIKE I AM DOING. most of the time. ;)

Best buy part 2

Seriously, what the fuck is up with that. I called them today again, REQUESTING return slips... Guess what, Those retards think they are working. They don't do a shit... Second time I asked them to email me those Slips, THEY N EVER DID. AND they do have correct email in their file. Well, it's their loss. I am NOT returning those parts back to them Till they email me some sort of return labels., and I keep calling them till I will be on their blacklist.... DORKS.. That's all I can say...

NOW, on a good note. I can not stand being a woman. I really can't. My hormones are driving me insane, and All I can do is sweat about it... I do not want to go on birth control. Because then I will sweat even more... And most likely get a high blood pressure.. and so on... I just want my beard to stop growing. i am tired of shaving nightly... hehe And there are all these beauty rituals I have to do to look somewhat acceptable... Blah... and that's it..